Inventor of X-Ray Goggles Goes Blind

19 10 2012

Raymond Violet spent his whole life developing goggles that can actually see through solid objects.  Two weeks after Ray completed his prototype he lost his vision.

Artist Render of Raymond Violet

“It sucks ass.  I woke up that morning and thought my friends glued my eyelids shut again.  That morning was the first time I was going to try my goggles outside of the lab.”

Ray was all set to go to his local YMCA to fulfill a childhood dream of seeing inside a girls locker room.  “I was hours away from fulfilling a childhood dream of seeing inside a girls locker room.”

It is unsure how he lost his vision.  “I was excited about the opportunity of making my fantasy a reality.  I had been thinking about a lot lately and now I’m blind.  It’s a bitch.”

Ray doesn’t look at this as a handicap.  He claims that it will just challenge him to be better.  In fact his next invention will be to help blind people see through solid objects.  “Some people think I’m crazy for thinking it can be done.  Well, actually, they think I’m perverted and need help but they think I’m a little crazy.”


White Crayon Becomes Obsolete

18 10 2012

Recent events have led no one to believe that white crayons are relevant.  In a random study where no one was involved the white crayon was observed to be the sharpest crayon in the box.  Someone who wasn’t involved with the study claims, “What’s the point of a white crayon?  There are so many colors to use that white is never an option.  You can’t even see it when you draw.  This should have been done long ago”.

Some people are not happy about the obsolete nature of the crayon.  “What if I’m trying to draw on Black construction paper?  I can’t use a black crayon.  When will it stop?”  That’s a good question.  When will it stop.

Someone familiar with crayons states, “There’s a white crayon?  I thought tan was a useless color.  I guess I was wrong”.  We went around and found someone else who was more familiar with crayons and they told us, “This is just like Pluto.  Not a planet?  Hmm.  I’m sure that the white crayon will be missed when it gone from the world.”

It will be missed.

Horn Enhancement Popular Among Teenage Ponies

8 10 2012

A disturbing trend is growing in the younger generation of horses.  Horn enhancement is all but a reality in this fantastical story.  Ponies are lining up to get horn implants giving them the appearance of a seductive unicorn.  It seems that popular culture would suggest Unicorns are more attractive than Ponies.  Mother and Fathers alike blame “My Little Pony” and Rainbows.

“‘My Little Pony’ has exploited the sexuality of Unicorns giving our children the wrong impression of beauty.  Rainbows are partly to blame to,” states a concern horse.

Titay, a former plain pony, suggests that horn enhancements is a self expression.

“Without it I’m not who I am.  My mom got a tattoo on her hind when ‘My Little Pony’ came out.  It’s the same thing, just with horns.”

No laws are being considered by the Steed party for fear of the ponies going underground.  A spokeshorse from the Stablehouse states:

“At this time we will not consider any laws to prevent this new trend of horn enhancement.  We feel by doing so will only encourage the ponies to go underground making it more risky.”

“I’m hoping this trend will end soon.  We are horses and we should be proud of who we are.  No more of this unicorn nonsense,” continues the concerned steed even though I was walking away to get my Triple Cappuccino.

Snow prefer Shovels over Snow Throwers, a study suggest

13 03 2012

A study conducted by mere observation and hypothetical conversations with snowflakes suggest that snow prefer shovels to snow throwers 10 to 1.  “It’s a massacre” claimed one snowflake.  “What ever happened to a gentle push of a shovel to the side”.  Some snowflakes went as far to protest this killing of precious snowflakes.  They couldn’t be heard, however, due to their size and the fact they are snowflakes.

This doesn’t mean that humans haven’t heard.  Well not literally anyway.  The Save the Snowflake petition is kicking off with a 5K run/walk/sleep event.  Snow has been cleared from the streets to allow such an event to happen.  “This is going to be one of the biggest Snowflake 5K events in human history” is what I think the bearded man said.  I couldn’t really hear him over the noises of the snow throwers in the background.

Snowflakes will continue to be terrorized until a reputable University conducts a more thorough realistic survey.  Until then, love thy neighbor and thy snowflakes.

Favre to Buy CFL

22 01 2012

Brett Favre announced maybe yesterday that he will be purchasing the Canadian Football League.  Rumor emerged after Favre was spotted hunting elk and accidentally dropped an “eh” during a conference he had at some point in the past.  Favre took this route when the Colts declined his offer to play quarterback after Peyton Manning went out for the season.

“We will not be accepting Favre’s offer to play.  Even though he is willing to pay us to play we feel we will have a better chance with Curtis Painter”, Caldwell tweeted.  The tweet didn’t post however due to it being too long and containing a link that was not approved by Twitter.  Twitter flat out refused to comment – even though I didn’t request a comment from them.  This is what some people like me are saying is the reason why Caldwell is no longer the Head Coach for the Colts.

Favre also maybe announced that with his purchase of the CFL he has called dibs on All Time Quarterback and will play QB for all eight teams.  A locker building will likely be built outside the stadiums for Favre.  Blueprints have been released…I have a sketch of what it is presumed to be in my head.

Unconfirmed Drawing of Favre's Locker

This transaction gets the CFL one step farther from combining with the NFL.  Roger Godell doesn’t approve of this transaction and tried everything he could to keep from happening.  Unfortunately he was preoccupied with the Player negotiations probably started by Brett Favre.

“I feel I have five more years in me” Favre said six years ago.  He feels this is the best way to show everyone that he still has a throwing arm and can be productive in a sport where retired American Football players go.  Like a high school band getting back together, Favre plans to take the CFL by storm, or at least a really bad rainy day.

Webster to Update Luck in the Dictionary

21 01 2012

An unofficial spokesperson from Webster Dictionary announced at some point in time that the word “Luck” was being updated to “Andrew Luck”.  People have already began to exclaim their excitement in the upgrade of a overrated four letter word.

“Luck was boring.  Overused and misused it has lost it’s meaning.  This change just reminds us that we all have something to believe in again.  I already feel my andrew luck growing,” says one man in a disclosed location.

Not everyone is pleased with the change, however.  A protest has been scheduled to be held in a woman’s basement where it will then be aired on the internet which is forecasted to get 1,213 views on YouTube, including friends and family and potential mockers.

“This change shows that Webster can still have an impact on society.  We are not just your grandfathers edition that sat on a bookshelf and was only used as a seat prop for the toddlers at Thanksgiving dinner.  We are still a force to reckon with.” states the unofficial spokesperson from Merriam-Webster.  “We believe all other dictionaries will follow suit and soon after – society.” continues the unofficial spokesperson even after I asked them to stop talking.

In the midst of a global downturn where people are at an all time low in all sorts of topics, this change to such an iconic word should have some positive effect on some of these topics.  It seems that there is always a silver lining to black clouds and we have found ours.  We should consider ourselves andrewy lucky.

Chapter Six

19 12 2011

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There are rules everywhere you go:  School, Work, Church, Playgrounds, Afterlife.  I have found myself in this situation where nothing else matters except for the life I know.  The life I have been taken away from.  I have been given a chance to go back but there are rules.   

She was hesistant to speak up.  A hundred times before she would state her mind.  Not let people walk over her.  This behavior is what put her in the position to be considered for Partner.  A real career advancement.  McEnroy was known for their weathly clients and for their persuasion of the market.  She had been here for ten years and has earned the recognition of the hardest woman to work with.  A reputation that has served her well.

She was pregnant.  An unexpected turn of events.  She couldn’t take a leave of absence.  She knew it would derail her for another ten years.  She was less than a month.  Her husband would be ecstatic but she found herself speechless.  No words, just thought of what is to happen.  She looked at her blackberry and realized she was going to be late for a meeting.  She awkwardly thanked her doctor and left. 

The ride back to the office was one she would re-live in her head over and over again.  Her choice.  Bringing a life into her world was not  a decision she wanted to make right now.  What were her priorities.  She was barely thirty, successful in everything she had done, moving up quicker than anyone that surrounded her.  She couldn’t stop.  Not now.  It’s not being selfish, just realistic. 

It seemed quieter than normal in the office.  The air was thicker, the floor was harder.  When she got back to her desk she saw a yellow post it note stuck to her computer.  “Come See Me – RP”.  Her boss was inviting her into a conversation she anticipated since her interview last week.  She felt she was right for it because she was the smartest and she was a woman.  A few months ago the agency got dinged in the Journal for not being diverse enough on the leadership team.  This was their chance to change this perception.

Her bosses door was closed.  When she knocked he responded with the instinctual “Come in”.  The doorknob was colder and the door was heavier. 

“Have a seat.  Hope things are well.”

“Of course.  Just anticipating the next words out of your mouth.”

“Well, we discussed what is best for this agency and where we need to be heading.  As you know we have received some criticism for our decisions.  However, we feel that we would have came to the same concensus regardless of what published in a newspaper.  Congratulations Parker.  We think you will be a great addition to the team.”

“Thank you Roger.  You won’t regret this.”

“Well, let’s get something straight here.  You are the youngest partner we have promoted.  While your tenure has been impressive you have a lot to prove.  I’m not trying to put anymore pressure on you but know that you will be scrutinized not just by our executives but by your peers and reports.  Consider yourself with a target on your back from this day forward.”

“I will. ”

“We would not have put you in this position if we did not think you could handle it.  I’m not saying you have to work twice as hard but I am saying you have twice as many people to prove wrong.  Are you sure you are up to it?”

A moments pause to recounter the drive over from the hospital, the conversation in her head about decisions.  She was being forced to choose now.

“I am sure.  I will prove all my doubters wrong.”

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