Snow prefer Shovels over Snow Throwers, a study suggest

A study conducted by mere observation and hypothetical conversations with snowflakes suggest that snow prefer shovels to snow throwers 10 to 1.  ”It’s a massacre” claimed one snowflake.  ”What ever happened to a gentle push of a shovel to the side”.  Some snowflakes went as far to protest this killing of precious snowflakes.  They couldn’t be heard, however, due to their size and the fact they are snowflakes.

This doesn’t mean that humans haven’t heard.  Well not literally anyway.  The Save the Snowflake petition is kicking off with a 5K run/walk/sleep event.  Snow has been cleared from the streets to allow such an event to happen.  ”This is going to be one of the biggest Snowflake 5K events in human history” is what I think the bearded man said.  I couldn’t really hear him over the noises of the snow throwers in the background.

Snowflakes will continue to be terrorized until a reputable University conducts a more thorough realistic survey.  Until then, love thy neighbor and thy snowflakes.

Favre to Buy CFL

Brett Favre announced maybe yesterday that he will be purchasing the Canadian Football League.  Rumor emerged after Favre was spotted hunting elk and accidentally dropped an “eh” during a conference he had at some point in the past.  Favre took this route when the Colts declined his offer to play quarterback after Peyton Manning went out for the season.

“We will not be accepting Favre’s offer to play.  Even though he is willing to pay us to play we feel we will have a better chance with Curtis Painter”, Caldwell tweeted.  The tweet didn’t post however due to it being too long and containing a link that was not approved by Twitter.  Twitter flat out refused to comment – even though I didn’t request a comment from them.  This is what some people like me are saying is the reason why Caldwell is no longer the Head Coach for the Colts.

Favre also maybe announced that with his purchase of the CFL he has called dibs on All Time Quarterback and will play QB for all eight teams.  A locker building will likely be built outside the stadiums for Favre.  Blueprints have been released…I have a sketch of what it is presumed to be in my head.

Unconfirmed Drawing of Favre's Locker

This transaction gets the CFL one step farther from combining with the NFL.  Roger Godell doesn’t approve of this transaction and tried everything he could to keep from happening.  Unfortunately he was preoccupied with the Player negotiations probably started by Brett Favre.

“I feel I have five more years in me” Favre said six years ago.  He feels this is the best way to show everyone that he still has a throwing arm and can be productive in a sport where retired American Football players go.  Like a high school band getting back together, Favre plans to take the CFL by storm, or at least a really bad rainy day.

Webster to Update Luck in the Dictionary

An unofficial spokesperson from Webster Dictionary announced at some point in time that the word “Luck” was being updated to “Andrew Luck”.  People have already began to exclaim their excitement in the upgrade of a overrated four letter word.

“Luck was boring.  Overused and misused it has lost it’s meaning.  This change just reminds us that we all have something to believe in again.  I already feel my andrew luck growing,” says one man in a disclosed location.

Not everyone is pleased with the change, however.  A protest has been scheduled to be held in a woman’s basement where it will then be aired on the internet which is forecasted to get 1,213 views on YouTube, including friends and family and potential mockers.

“This change shows that Webster can still have an impact on society.  We are not just your grandfathers edition that sat on a bookshelf and was only used as a seat prop for the toddlers at Thanksgiving dinner.  We are still a force to reckon with.” states the unofficial spokesperson from Merriam-Webster.  ”We believe all other dictionaries will follow suit and soon after – society.” continues the unofficial spokesperson even after I asked them to stop talking.

In the midst of a global downturn where people are at an all time low in all sorts of topics, this change to such an iconic word should have some positive effect on some of these topics.  It seems that there is always a silver lining to black clouds and we have found ours.  We should consider ourselves andrewy lucky.

Chapter Six

< Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6>

There are rules everywhere you go:  School, Work, Church, Playgrounds, Afterlife.  I have found myself in this situation where nothing else matters except for the life I know.  The life I have been taken away from.  I have been given a chance to go back but there are rules.   

She was hesistant to speak up.  A hundred times before she would state her mind.  Not let people walk over her.  This behavior is what put her in the position to be considered for Partner.  A real career advancement.  McEnroy was known for their weathly clients and for their persuasion of the market.  She had been here for ten years and has earned the recognition of the hardest woman to work with.  A reputation that has served her well.

She was pregnant.  An unexpected turn of events.  She couldn’t take a leave of absence.  She knew it would derail her for another ten years.  She was less than a month.  Her husband would be ecstatic but she found herself speechless.  No words, just thought of what is to happen.  She looked at her blackberry and realized she was going to be late for a meeting.  She awkwardly thanked her doctor and left. 

The ride back to the office was one she would re-live in her head over and over again.  Her choice.  Bringing a life into her world was not  a decision she wanted to make right now.  What were her priorities.  She was barely thirty, successful in everything she had done, moving up quicker than anyone that surrounded her.  She couldn’t stop.  Not now.  It’s not being selfish, just realistic. 

It seemed quieter than normal in the office.  The air was thicker, the floor was harder.  When she got back to her desk she saw a yellow post it note stuck to her computer.  “Come See Me – RP”.  Her boss was inviting her into a conversation she anticipated since her interview last week.  She felt she was right for it because she was the smartest and she was a woman.  A few months ago the agency got dinged in the Journal for not being diverse enough on the leadership team.  This was their chance to change this perception.

Her bosses door was closed.  When she knocked he responded with the instinctual “Come in”.  The doorknob was colder and the door was heavier. 

“Have a seat.  Hope things are well.”

“Of course.  Just anticipating the next words out of your mouth.”

“Well, we discussed what is best for this agency and where we need to be heading.  As you know we have received some criticism for our decisions.  However, we feel that we would have came to the same concensus regardless of what published in a newspaper.  Congratulations Parker.  We think you will be a great addition to the team.”

“Thank you Roger.  You won’t regret this.”

“Well, let’s get something straight here.  You are the youngest partner we have promoted.  While your tenure has been impressive you have a lot to prove.  I’m not trying to put anymore pressure on you but know that you will be scrutinized not just by our executives but by your peers and reports.  Consider yourself with a target on your back from this day forward.”

“I will. ”

“We would not have put you in this position if we did not think you could handle it.  I’m not saying you have to work twice as hard but I am saying you have twice as many people to prove wrong.  Are you sure you are up to it?”

A moments pause to recounter the drive over from the hospital, the conversation in her head about decisions.  She was being forced to choose now.

“I am sure.  I will prove all my doubters wrong.”

< Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6>

Study Shows that Studies may Decrease Likeliness

A new study was released last week in my mind that states that Studies conducted for research purposes actually decrease the likeliness of making sense.  That’s right.  Women are more prone to this decrease as they tend to read studies that are posted on popular blogs like MSNBC or Yahoo!.

Studies are conducted to show correlation to two objects that would usually not have been correlated together had it not been for studies conducted, research shows.  MBA Graduate TJ Sizemore has proven through no proper experimental manner that studies can reflect the absence of productive behavior.

“Studies can reflect the absence of productive behavior”, Sizemore comments to himself.

However, this research did show that the actual correlation between Studies conducted and Likeliness of making sense does not apply to people actually reading a study.

“People may read a study or not.  This is not a tree in the forest scenario”, Sizemore continues in his rant.

Fortunately there is an alternative to Studies.  Research shows that people who read literature – fiction or non-fiction – are more prone to worldly goods (attractive people, money, luxurious items) and people who read just Studies conducted are more prone to loneliness and depressive mannerisms that is not socially acceptable.

This study was conducted on a Spur of the Moment reaction to the world we live in, September 27, 2011.

TJ Sizemore, MBA

Chapter Five

< Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6>

“Can you give me a second?”

“I’ve been here for almost two hours…”
She put her finger in the air to signify she was done talking and needed just one more second.  He grabbed his wallet and sat back down in the chair.  He began to wonder why this doctor had a eight month waiting list.  Up to this point no one has helped him or made him feel like a person, just a patient.  He walked over to his chair and just before he sat down,

“Stephen.”  The nurse yelled through the opened glass.  He could have sworn he saw a slight smile on the side of her mouth as if she was enjoying the power she had.

“I need you to fill these papers out.”
“I’m sorry, but what is the point of scheduling an appointment at 10:30 if I won’t be seen, what at this point seems to be, until 3:00.”
“As before, don’t worry about the back of this page.  We’ll fill that out after you see the doctor.”

“If I ever see the doctor”, he said as he took the clipboard back to his seat feeling defeated.  He took out his phone to check to see if it was still Monday.

“Please no cell phones.”

He looked up and saw her pointing to a sign that said, “Please, No Cell Phones”.  It was the only polite thing they have said.  He looked around at everyone looking at him.  He knew they were thinking, “Who does he think he is?  Didn’t he see the sign?”  He couldn’t wait to get out of there.

He put the phone back into his pocket.  Just as he did it went off.

Everyone immediately stopped what they were doing and looked at him again.  He felt like Frakenstein as he grabbed his phone from his pocket.

He was curious because this ring tone was not one he was familiar with.  He just bought the phone yesterday so he knew the tones he had set yesterday and this was not one of them.  When he looked at the screen is just read “3″.  It wasn’t a text message or an email.  It was a call but it wasn’t from a phone number.

“Can you please turn off your cell phone?”

“I’m sorry, I just got it yesterday and I am not sure…”

The woman sitting next to him grabbed the phone and pushed a button on the side.

“You just need to push that button right there and it will silence it dear.”

He looked over at her and was sure no one was sitting next to him when he sat down.  As he looked around no one else seemed to have the same quizzical stare as he had.  They just seemed angry at him for not following the rules of the sign.

“Thank you.  I’m sorry.”

“You’re welcome dear.”  She leaned over closer to him and whispered, “You might want to go in the hallway and call the number back.”

“I’m sorry?” He was confused at her suggestion.  Why was she telling him to call it back?  Did she know something.  He began to feel uneasy in this situation and wanted to get up and leave altogether, but there was part of him that believed her.  He couldn’t explain it.  She looked in his eyes without blinking and without saying another word he stood up and walked to the door.  She never took her eyes of him and even though he never turned back around he knew she was watching him.

When he opened the door he found the hallway to be empty.  He took the phone out of his pocket and looked at the screen.  He hit his call button to reveal the 3 on the screen.  His thumb hovered over the talk button for a moment.  The hesitation wasn’t because of uncertainty or fear.  It was because of familiarity.  He felt like he had lived in this moment before and he knew who was on the other side of this number.

His thumb pressed the green talk button.  As he put the phone to his ear there was no dial tone.

“Stephen?”

Stephen looked at his phone and saw no minutes ticking to show how long they had been talking. It just showed “3″.

“Yes.”

“I don’t have much time.  I need to tell you something about your life.  I need to tell you what is going to happen.”

“Who is this?”

“I’m not going to answer that because that is not the question you will want to ask.  Listen to me carefully.  In three months you are going to get a job at the McEnroy Firm.  You will meet a partner there.  She will be married and her kid will be in college.  You will have an affair with her.”

“Stop.  Why are telling me this?”

“Because you need to do something.”

< Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6>

Chapter Four

< Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6>

I can hear sounds.  Voices above me.  I could still feel the carpet under my face.  There was no time left.  The darkness around surged with flashes of light.  Veins carving on the black walls around me.  Was I coming back to life?  It wasn’t happening like he told me.  Could he have been wrong?  Was I coming back now?  The voices were getting louder, more clearer.  I could feel hands on me.  Grabbing me, moving me.  It was happening.  I would see my family again.  My wife, my girl.  They were probably there.  Scared, crying.  I can’t leave them.

“Did you want a refill on your coffee?”

“No, thank you.  I think I’ve had enough.”

“Is there anything else I can get you?  Some more water?”

“No, I, um, think that will be all.  Thank you.”

“Okay, I’ll bring your check.”

“Okay.  Thanks.”

My friends told me I would never do it.  They said I was too chicken.  As I sat there with my fifth cup of coffee almost gone I was beginning to believe them.  I had gone into this cafe everyday this week just to see her.  I didn’t particularly like the coffee but it was the only way I could talk to her.  I tried small talk.  It did not fair well.

“How was your weekend?”

“Um, it was fine.  Just worked really.  Not much else to do.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.  I don’t have much going on either.”

“Did you need something else?”

“I’m sorry?”

“You called me over here.  Did you need some more coffee?”

“Oh yeah.  That would be great.  Thank you.”

Smooth.  I don’t have much going on either?  That’s the impression you want to leave?  That was three days ago and I haven’t forgotten it.  All she knows is that I am always in the cafe and now I made it worse by saying I don’t have much going on either!?  She was about to bring the check and all you are going to do is pay the bill, get up and leave and listen to your friends tell you how they were right and you are nothing but a chicken.

“Here is your check.  I’ll take it whenever you are ready.”

I handed her my card.  She took it and went back to ring it up.  I couldn’t help but watch her.  I felt like another creep that comes in here and stalks her every day.  Why would she ever date a customer?  She probably gets asked out all the time and now I am just another one of those guys.

“Here’s your receipt.  Thank you.”

“Hey, I, um…I was wondering, um…”

I could see she was getting a little nervous with my inability to speak.  She was anticipating what I was going to say, but I didn’t know what was going to come out of my mouth.

“I, um…look, this will be the last time I come in here and I just to see if you want to go get a cup of coffee sometime or something more substantial like dinner, or…”

“Hey, you’re a sweet guy.  I hope this isn’t the last time you come in here, but I just don’t think it’s a good idea if we went out.”

“Oh, yeah sure.  Of course.  Not a big deal.  I was just wondering anyways.  It’s fine. Really.  I will just see you later then, yeah?  Great.  Bye.”

I felt the entire cafe staring at me.  It was as if they heard the conversation.  What an idiot.  What else would she say?

I grabbed my receipt (even though I just throw it away when I walk outside) and left.  I was true to my word.  I never went back there.  The first time I met her she rejected me and now she is dreading me leaving.

It’s funny when you die.  You remember everything but it’s as if it wasn’t your memories.  It’s like watching someone else’s home movies.  The events are familiar but you feel they are not yours.  I saw our wedding and Vanessa’s birth.  I saw first moments and last moments but I couldn’t relate to them.  It seemed to be a good life.  And it was no longer mine.  That’s when I met him.  That’s when he told me what I had to do.

But as it seemed I would not have to finish what I had started, the voices were getting quieter.  The hands were getting lighter.  The ground was getting fainter.  I was leaving again.

< Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6>